I think the term “quotes” has been tarnished, as these days it only seems to describe those spoken or written words that have some sort of insightful impact or meaning. I’m taking it upon myself to end this.
The following list of quotes were said, at one time or another, in one context or another, by myself, friends of mine, and others. Some, as you will see, are entire conversations. Existing in the forms of text messages, instant messages, emails, and just plain in-person interaction, these sayings give you a glimpse into the truly twisted reality that I have the pleasure of living in on a daily basis.
- THE QUOTES LIST
ME: I’m in town for a doctor’s appointment.
CASHIER: I hope it’s not your prostate!
This city is wetter than the inside of a condom
(overheard in a movie theater)
PATRON: You’re eating popcorn? Dude, you have Crohn’s disease!
A: What are you having for dinner?
B: KFC.
A: Ah, where did you get that?
BABY BOOMER IN A SUIT AT WORK: Whew. Glad it’s Wednesday.
MY IMMATURE ASS: So am I. That means a new “South Park” is on tonight.
A: I got my fourth genital wart today. I named him Wilbur.
B: Is Frankie still alive?
A: Yup. So now it’s him, Wilbur, Johnny, and Cal.
B: Cal’s the big one, right?
A: Yup. I originally thought it was two at first. I was going to name them Mary Kate and Ashley.
B: Well, that makes sense, considering that’s who you got it from.
It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it. And that somebody already said that it’s disgusting and walked away, so now I have to do it.
If you tell the Hamburger Helper guy to wash his hands, won’t he drown? Also, how does he poop? Also, clapping must suck for him, as he repeatedly just gets smashed in the face.
So the Hamburger Helper guy got a mustache ride from the Swedish Chef…
Fuck, I should have said “fuck”!
A: Whoever hosted Supermarket Sweep is an asshole.
B: That’s why whoever hosted Supermarket Sweep is not important enough for us to remember his name.
A: So, your cousin died, huh?
B: Yup, and the only thing that can help me through it is a free refill of soda.
A: Never get herpes, dude.
B: Yeah, I know. I got mine from your sister.
A: No shit? That’s who I got mine from, too.
I like girls whose hair is 14 different colors like that.
I mean, just last week we got finished a discussion over whether or not “Howard the Duck” was on DVD.
A: If you fucked the Hamburger Helper guy, would YOU be getting a blowjob or would HE be getting a facial?
B: Yet another conundrum that’s going to prevent me from getting any work done.
…though i can live without the visual of Kimmie Gibbler teabagging Danny Tanner
A: You have serious psychological problems.
B: Well, of course I do.
A: No, I mean it. You have serious psychological problems.
A: The party is on Saturday.
B: Saturday’s iffy for me.
A: Last year, (hot friend) came to the party dressed as a sexy cop.
B: Saturday works.
A: So, what is there to do around there?
B: Do you like soup?
Yeah, there’s this hot girl serving me root beer, and I’m sitting there singing about how I want Charles in charge of me.
Get that man an oral tampon, stat!”
I’d fuck a poster. It can’t say no
I think that’s my cue to leave, as a vision of blurred edible vagina is ingrained in my psyche
If that female puppet fucked me, I’d be getting sex AND a handjob at the same time!
A: Since when did WE become internet saviors?
B: Since Kirk Cameron died for our sins.
There is no possible way that Pee-Wee had sex with Chair-y. Now Cowboy Curtis and that dog chair, on the other hand, is a different story. That nose was right on his crotch.
Here’s the most obvious hint: once Optimus Prime gets done fucking this person, he screams real loud.
Yeah, I think that if you landed on top of that, you’d be Rod Roddyed.
A: I’m thinking of a celebrity, and there is absolutely no way you’ll guess who it is.
B: Is it Balki?
A: Holy shit!
This is the US and we have a constitutional right to cheat in elections.
A: And if Vicki was so smart, she would have been adopted by the Cosbys and thus lived on another 5 seasons
B: It’s not her fault that she was a product of reverse racism.
Upon laying your eyes on one such picture, your memory bank will be permanently deleted and you’ll be reduced to a Schiavo-esque muttering buffoon.
It’s really sad…in the battle of laziness and hunger, laziness has won.
A: I wonder if they’ll finally reveal Simon’s sexuality. I mean, c’mon. Thin. Tight Blue Turtleneck.
B: Oh, you knew he was porking Alvin.
You tell me that they’re not about to engage in a menage a…uh…four.
We never settled on whether or not Dave fucking the Chipmunks would be considered incest or not.
10 to 1 Dave already has it up Theodore’s pooper.
I’m going to butter up my cheeseburger.
Wow, he’s wearing burger bling.
This suckage looks familiar
You’ve already worn the Superman cape in public, so that does me no good.
I believe in the virtues of fairness and pwnocity
I never wanted to be a clown so badly in my life
I’ve developed a resistance to shiny objects
I dreamt that i was at work…and Richard Karn stopped by, and i got to meet him
Please talk to me…Heather Langenkamp wont return my letters
Children 6 and under who may cry or fidget will be sent back to Mypos
You made his bald ass weep
A: I was at imdb and they have a poll: “what sci fi show that got cancelled too soon do you want to see brought back for one more season?” One of the choices was “Seaquest DSV”
B: Yeah, aren’t they kinda missing a cast member from there?
A: Yup…last i heard he was hanging around LA somewhere
O heavenly Alan Thicke, why have you forsaken me?
I might just have to fake a stomach virus or herpes or something
I will come from behind! Wow that sounded sick
A: There was a show called complete savages? And it did not star Fred and/or Ben?
B: That is INCOMPLETE savages
See…this is why people strive to be rich…it isn’t for financial security or fame or bitches…its for when staples of our childhoods go on auction
I would pay good money to have the voice of Mr. Feeny in my car at all times
The road to 574237623478563472634726423705634790 has begun
A: For example, the radio can suck my cock.
B: Wow, technology truly has advanced!…fellatio-performing radios are truly the wave of the future
As most of our conversations prove, us talking never generally requires much brainpower
Any movie that spells out its punctuation deserves to be released super early!
A: Lou Ferregno might have TWO people in line at the convention.
B: Yeah. You and me.
He deserves a very hard punch to the balls for that.
You click “hell’s best kept secret”…the first thing you see is a picture of Kirk Cameron.
Oh holy crap toads.
Thats all I need to see…fucking Slater revving up Mountain Climber
We’ll be like the blue collar comedy tour. Only funny.
A: Marc Summers was licking green slime off of Mr McFeeley while Snuffleupagus jerked off!
B: Ohhhhh, BIRRRRRD
A: He wont even have to clean up afterwards because its only imaginary
B: Bob: “Big Bird, did you spill milk again?” Big Bird: (hides lube) “Um…yeah. Milk.”
A: Then Gordon comes over in a speedo, saying, “Bob! where are you? Miles is getting antsy!”
B: “Hold on, I need to bring a toy.” (steals wormy) Oscar: “Hey!”
A: Meanwhile, Luis digs up Mr. Hooper and boinks the shit out of him while Maria and Olivia make lesbian love with Telly taking pictures while Grover jerks off into that teeny little super guy glass and Bert and Ernie take a bath together with rubber ducky up each other’s ass and the count starts counting how many times the aliens yip yip yip as they suck him off
B: We have officially reached levels of wrongness that i actually did not think could be surpassed…which only warrants one word: YES
It’s a beautiful day in my trouser pants…a beautiful day for a trolley…wont you rape me? wont you rape me? It’s a beautiful day and I’ve got wood, a beautiful day for a woody…wont you rape me, wont you rape me? I have always wanted to fuck a trolley…just like you…
You have Dick Clark with an exposed tongue in hell.
A: Then again, i got a D in science in high school.
B: Yeah, me too. They take points off when you blow up the classroom. For every student killed, they drop it a letter grade.
A: If I only put Timmy in a vegetative state, is that extra credit?
My computer has Downs Syndrome.
Did ever want to simulate pushing a female cook into an open-flame oven?
A: Now heres a thought provoking question: if a giant were to get herpes and you tried to fight said giant for some reason, toppled off of him, grabbed ahold of one of his herpes bumps on the way down…but then it broke and you fell to your death…would that be considered dying from herpes?
B: Why did you have to ask me that? Now I’m going to be figuring this out all day.
Yeah, she stuck her finger in the proverbial Elmer Fudd gun
I know Miss Yvonne got around. She’d hump Conky, and Conky would stutter like he does: “oh oh oh oh oh oh…” and then at the end, a slip of paper would come out and read “orgasm”. And Miss Yvonne would scream real loud.
You need quality music when you’re taking an iPoop
There is a positive correlation between the amount of Survivor watched and the number of brain cells lost
A: I’ve been playing Punch-out nonstop since i downloaded it; I have pwn3d Soda Popinski on more than one occasion. Though I have gotten increasingly pissed at Doc: fat fuck gets to ride a bike! Not only that, but he gives shitty advice: “I’m getting beaten out there, Doc.” “Join Nintendo Power Club, Mac!”
B: Doc is a docksucker.
A: “Hit him with an uppercut” Uh, no shit Didn’t realize i needed to punch my opponent in a boxing match.
Fuck fucking fat fucks who fuckingly fuck
A: Can you imagine Miss Piggy’s friars club roast? “He porked me all night long.”
B: “He made me squeal…until I bac-ame. Then he stared at my tits and bopped his bologna.”
Dude, I talked to Bill Kirchenbauer.
Dude, I IM’d Bill Kirchenbauer.
Bill Kirchenbauer causes you to let your guard down.
Thank you, Mr. Kirchenbauer, and your remotely-applied seductive ways.
I never thought Bill Kirchenbauer would betray me like such.
A: So you’re mentally picturing me with a fat balding out-of-work actor?
B: What I masturbate to is my own business.
B: It’d be like Bill Kirchenbauer losing hosting duties of Price is Right to Larry Hankin
A: BILL KIRCHENBAUER IS HOSTING PRICE IS RIGHT?!?
…and remind him how great he was, playing janitorial assistant #3
A: New project…recreating the stations of the cross with only TGIF characters
B: …with Jesus Kirchenbauer
A: Judas Bartokamus.
B: Jesus is helped by the women of the Winslow household
A: Harriet Magdalene wipes his brow…Jesus is forklifted into the tomb.
B: Danny of Tannerine helps carry the cross…Pontious Duffy sentences Bill to death (to Thursday nights)
A: Jesus reappears, and makes a believer out of Doubting Mr. Woodchuck
B: Bill is domestically assaulted by Cody of the Lamberts
A: The gospels were written…by Matthew, Luke, John, and Mark-Linn Baker”
B: A reading from the letter of Balki to the Myposians
A: This conversation has managed to outfuckedup all our previous fucked up conversations
She actually posed a moral dilemma ABOUT Bill Kirchenbauer…and i freaking thought about it! On one hand, i don’t want him to drown; on the other hand, he’s fucking fat.
Is it too much to ask to try to coordinate a conference call with Bill Kirchenbauer, Wilford Brimley, and Bronson Pinchot?”
Bill Kirchenbauer gave a dirty sanchez to richard mulligan whilst guy smiley teabagged shari lewis…sorry, I had to say that; our conversation was getting too serious.”
Did you ever think that the visual of Bill Kirchenbauer masturbating to Mr. Peanut would immediately trigger another thought?
A: I can picture the conversation now: “How was work?” “Sucked…I saw Wilford Brimley half naked”
B: “Wait, weren’t you talking about Bill Kirchenbauer blowing up balloon animals at funerals?” “Nah, that was yesterday”
In the past three days…we have made Wilford Brimley the obscene/violent host of TPIR, the Noid, and a widow-fucker
I made a Wilford Brimley Legoman.
Is it wrong that i just friend requested Wilford Brimley on myspace?
A: “Super Brimley Bros.” That BEGS for a Photoshop.
B: Photoshop? I say a whole users manual.
A: Instead of coins, there would be Quaker Oats. And instead of mushrooms…diabeetis needles.
B: And instead of goombas…sugar cubes. “Thank you, Wilford! But our diabetic is in another hospital!”
A: And in Super Brimley World, instead of riding Yoshi, he’d ride a big mustache.
B: With enemies being little razor blades.
A: And instead of waking up from a dream, a la the ending of Super Mario 2, he’d wake up from his coma.
B: The Wart he defeats would really be off of his ass.
A: Who would be the princess?
B: Heather Langenkamp. See, Bill Kirchenbauer has kidnapped all of the cast members of just the ten of us and had them imprisoned in castles. And it’s up to Wilford Brimley to save them. Along the way, he’ll have help from quaker oatmeal pieces and diabetes needles.
A: Or even think about this: remember how all of the bosses in Super Mario World were Bowser’s kids? In our game, the “Just the Ten of Us” can all do Kirchenbowser’s bidding!
B: They wanted another season of just the ten of us, so they’re holding hostage the cast members of a more popular show.
A: They’re holding the cast of Coccoon hostage.
B: I’ll set out to rescue Don Ameche.
A: I’ll go with Steve Gutenberg.
B: I was originally going to have the victim show be Growing Pains, but I wouldn’t pay money for a game wherein you have to rescue Kirk Cameron.
A: They need to do “The Wonder Years: 50 Years Later.” Starring Wilford Brimley as Kevin Arnold. And Sherman Hemsley as Winnie Cooper.
B: Would Daniel Stern still be Kevin’s interior monologue?
A: I’m leaning towards James Earl Jones myself.
B: His interior monologue would be replaced with a loop of ‘This is CNN’…thus making Kevin senile.
A: That makes perfect sense.
B: “In the Wonder Years of the future, everyone just sits around getting mustache rides. PAUL: It’s my turn to receive! WINNIE: No it isn’t! It’s my turn. KEVIN: I give too much! KEVIN’S BRAIN: This is CNN.
A: Tomorrow is Wilford Brimley’s 73rd birthday.
B: He’s only 73?!?
A: Yup. Oatmeal has kept his diabetic ass young.
B: Dude, he was fucking 80 in Cocoon and that was like 20 years ago!
A: He’s like another Dick Clark, only eternally old.
B: Dude, my IM preview message just showed, “He’s like another dick.” Good slogan if there’s ever a market for a Wilford Brimley dildo.
A: Y3s! By the way, add “Wilford Brimley dildo” to the list of phrases we never expected to hear/say.
A: During my nap, I dreamt that I pulled an entire load of laundry out of my mouth. Then I went to wash it, but there were assorted appliances in the pile and I had to keep taking them out. Any significance to that?
B: Was Wilford Brimley involved?
A: Fark posts a story about how Jodie Sweetin is preggo. Fark commenter: “I’d hit it; pregnant women are hot. Maybe the fetus can jerk me off from inside the womb.”
B: YES! In-vitro masturbation!
I’d blog about this, but I won’t remember a damn thing about it.
A: I grew up near (town)
B: Oh, so did he (points to C)
A: You did? Do you represent?
C: Uh…yes?
It’s simple: convince your sister that she’s really MY sister. That way, she’ll always go home to my house and, when she has friends over, bring them to MY house instead of yours!
Mr. Rogers would be spinning in his grave, and not only because Mr. McFeeley is currently giving him a whirlybird
A: It’s cold out here.
B: That’s because you’re not wearing pants
A: Wait until I get done with her. That’ll change her lesbianism.
B: Yeah, she’ll be even more of a lesbian.
A: She was hot.
B: She was wearing a wedding ring.
A: That was a prop.
B: …which was on her wedding ring finger, as opposed to one of her other nine fingers.
A: Well, that’s because all of those fingers were broken after she handled my cock
I think she’s the one that I pointed to on the poster and said I’d fuck
A: I’ll show up at her house wearing nothing but a bottle cap
B: So that’s all it takes to cover it, huh?
Dorothy got gangbanged by the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion
All living beings have cocks, scarecrow. What YOU don’t have is a dildo. And Tin Man, here are some balls; use these tin cans. And Lion? You’re just fucking gay. You have that ribbon in your hair.
I tasted Veruca’s salt!
Willy Wonka: A Porno. Starring Jackoff Albertson. And Charlie Fucket.
She enjoyed talking to me. And I enjoyed staring at her chest. So it all worked out nice.
I woulda fucked the wig right off of her.
Marlee Matlin would have really enjoyed this performance.
I’d rape a deaf-mute. Then I’d cut off her hands so that she couldn’t say ANYTHING at all!
She fucked her father? Gives new meaning to the term “Wait until your father comes home.”
I’d never get a tattoo in L.A. What if there’s an earthquake?
A: Watch: you’re going to have three kids, and all of them will have Down’s Syndrome. And you’ll turn into an advocate for a cure or something.
B: If that happened, I’d be an advocate FOR Down’s Syndrome. “Hi, my name is (B) and I have 3 kids with the Down’s. And I’ve never been more entertained in my life. I just give them a frying pan and watch themselves hit each other with it. Their names are Retard 1, Retard 2, and Jeff. Jeff is really retarded. He’s the one with the dented head. It got dented after I kicked it.”
Here’s how (ugly person we know) got born: A walrus and (retarded person we know) fucked each other, and then Gary Busey jerked off on top of it.
If Michael J. Fox was in an earthquake, would he just be normal?
Corky should be in a porno. Call it Life Goes On Top.
A: I attended a speech by Chris Burke just so I could listen to him talk for an hour. I didn’t know what his speech was going to be about, only that it was going to be hilarious.
B: So what was the speech about?
A: I don’t know. But it was hilarious.
A: Seriously, what kind of drugs are you on?
B: Dude, if I were on drugs, I’d become normal. I’d toke up and say, “Oh, hello sir. How has your job situation been as of late?”
I’d stick my cock into her juxtaposition.
If you bang someone after eating an octopus, do you squirt ink?
A: I’m going to go visit her in New York.
B: Stalker.
A: It’s not stalking if you don’t spend any money.
B: That made no fucking sense whatsoever.
A: So, do you have any Halloween plans? Going to any parties?
B: I’m dressing up like Wilford Brimley.
C: You think he’s kidding. He’s not. He’s already done it once so far.
A: I want to eat at a nice restaurant while we’re out there.
B: Dennys?
A: I have a pair of “South Park” pajama pants. For 20 bucks, I’ll wear them on the plane.
B: No, because, first of all, you’d do that for free. Second of all, I don’t feel like being stuck next to someone wearing “South Park” pants for the whole flight.
A: Okay, then I’ll wear them to the fancy restaurant for 20 bucks.
B: Now you may have a deal.
Here’s what I don’t get. I’ve gotten (Friend #1) out of fights. I’ve gotten (Friend #2) out of fights. I’ve gotten (Friend #3) out of a fight…and then I kicked his ass myself. But I’ve never gotten YOU out of a fight. And I don’t know why!
How about a “Short Circuit” porn with Johnny 5? “InputInputInputInputInputInput!”
At least the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie had a plot that I could follow!
A: I have come to the sad realization that I will never be able to legally fuck a Catholic schoolgirl.
B: Not one you don’t have to inflate, anyway.
Further proof that the road to hell is paved with La Choy and cookies.
A: I’d fuck the Little Mermaid. I’d make her call me Titan!
B: It’s “Triton” you dumbass.
A: No, my dick is TITAN!
B: No, it’s more like “Flounder.”
A: If you fuck the Little Mermaid, is it bestiality?
B: I don’t think so.
A: Well, if you fuck her, it’d be in the fish part of her, so technically it would be.
B: What if she gave you a blowjob? Then it’d be okay, right?
They really need to pave this street. It’s not the 1600s anymore. Ben Franklin won’t care, because he’s dead and fat.
Victor French stuck his little house into Michael Landon’s prairie
